You know why? Because then...I'll have nothing left to lose.

The word is "Mira'soh". Heaven knows where that word came from, but it's the word that encompasses it all, that meaningless course of Destiny, of Time, of Existence itself. It does what ought be, and it doesn't care. It does what ought not to be, and it doesn't care. It just is. And that's how life came to be. And thus, what sentience calls "pain".

It's only a matter of time. Perhaps there was reason prehistory destined man to live only to its 30s. It's more than enough time to realize it all, to know oneself, and realize how much you truly loathe. To be hurt because nobody's there. To be hurt because somebody's there. To compromise, because you'll be hurt. To be hurt, because you compromise. Until that time comes, that I both dread and look forward to, when I can take my life. Because it's the only act of mercy I could rightly offer myself. Nothing else.

And if I could not have that, then I will have one thing: Hate. Deep, entrenched Hate. Because while Love can cease when one is hurt, Hate grows the more it's hurt. While there's sentience, pain is the only endless thing. And I'll rather get hurt and endlessly hate, rather than love and get endlessly hurt.

And then I will truly have no regrets, to lose everything, because then I'll want everything to get lost, for myself to get lost. Then I would have gotten what I want. I would have what I only want. And it will be the last thing I'll consciously have, until I never even have the power to wonder what consciousness is at all.

The word is "Mira'soh". And it doesn't care that I hate. So I hate.

I hate.

Ako'y Matronang Tunay

One of my parody songs that never got finished, "Matronang Tunay" was supposed to be a "Marry The Night" parody about a bitter geriatric "(na) miss nang makatikim ng 'sang guy". I never got to finish another parody song since. I've long mused of feeling geriatric, but having passed a quarter-century of my life I can't help but feel that I might as well be at my twilight years. People at my age are either running a start-up company, a graduate student, a money-hoarding yuppie, or raising a family of 2-3 spoiled and screeching kids. People at my age are expected to be full productive members of society, whose supposed liveliness of youth and high purchasing power contributes to a healthy economy and national progress. Yet here I am feeling I'll be taken over by stroke or arthritis or incontinence at any given moment.

I'm at a dead end. And who knows, one day I might just find myself knitting on a rocking chair while reminiscing the good ol' days, wondering where I might have placed the glasses I'd worn just a moment ago.